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Monday, August 23, 2004

News from the Danger Wire ...

Chicago (SDP) -- In order to establish residency for his bid to become a Republican senator from Illinois, Alan Keyes has a purchased a cabin in the state of Illinois. That's a cabin. I repeat ... a cabin. My, you people do not know your American literature!

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Rochester (SDP) -- In my race to upset Republican Twit/Congress Chick Missy Hart -- polls are showing me trailing by 40 percentage points. I attribute this low showing to the fact that the extent of my campaign was a drunken pontification between myself and my chimpanzee roommate, the dapper J. Edward Monkey.

Yet the Republican dirty tricks have already started ... the skeletons in my closet are starting to be unearthed. Everybody now knows about my Laura Branigan fetish. Excuse me ... but she takes my self ... my self-control!

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Oceania (SDP) -- After posing as a blathering corporate bully boy towards former Labor Secretary Robert Reich and Economic Genius Paul Krugman, Conflicted Fruitcake Bill O'Reilly will please Robert Murdoch even further by trying to frighten union members and working people at the Lollipop Guild Convention. We must recognize O'Reilly's ploy for what it is ... a desperate attempt to meet Judy Garland.

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Mobile (SDP) -- In response to ads by Karl Rove's Ministry of Information --- oh excuse me, "Swift Boat Vets For Election Red Herrings" --- a group in Alabama is publicizing Resident George W. Bush's actions during the war.

Tommy Murphy, President of "Alabama Cokeheads For Truth," tells a compelling story about how Bush was injured by an enemy glass table while trying to snort spilled blow off a shag carpet in 1972.

"He left nothing behind child ... dude was like the Robert Downey of Maine preppies ...when he was done with all that flake ... thought he was a damned cowboy."

During one of these binges, Murphy alleges Bush threw all of his medals (from the Special Olympics) into a wading pool decorated with the image of H. R. PufNStuf.

"And this guy was gonna fly a plane for the Guard? He already be flying. The only time he ever showed up at the army base was when he had a toothache and thought maybe he could score some codeine after a filling."

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Houston (SDP) -- Tommy Lee, David Lee Roth and Snoop Dogg are apparently still scheduled to headline Rock For Bush on September 19 at Minute Maid Park in Houston. When told this was a fundraiser for the current White House occupant, agents for the three performers said their clients were under the impression they were supporting a different cause.

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Tupelo (SDP) -- As a true sign of a recovering economy, Kool-Aid posted company-record gains on Monday with profits up 85 percent from last year. Most of the gains took place in the South and the Midwest -- "red states" that Bush hopes to win in November. Come now my children ... come to the pavillion!





Tuesday, June 29, 2004

LOUISVILLE (SDP) - In a truly inspiring moment of bipartisanship, the Democratic Party hierarchy in Kentucky presented Vice Resident Dick Cheney with an unexpected gift Tuesday night.

Democratic Committeeman Pervis Monkman said the thoroughbred horse presented to Mr. Cheney was necessary in the mind of most liberals after Cheney's comments to Senator Patrick Leahy (D-Vermont) recently.

"We realized it would be tough to address Mr. Cheney in the manner in which he so richly deserves unless he had 'a horse he rode in on.' In Kentucky, we're trying to be progressive and anticipate such moments before they arise," Monkman explained.

"Besides this horse was going to be turned into glue anyway ... I mean, it's not like he's from Philadelphia."

OTHER NEWS TIDBITS:

*** During Fat Guy Awareness Week, Steve Danger reminds you that our fat guy, Mr. Michael Moore, is the one NOT on dope. The conservative fellow, Mr. Rush Limbaugh, IS the drug-user. Please remember that.

*** Fox News reports that Bill O'Reilly will soon share anchor duties on his "Fear Factor" show with journalist Winston Smith, who comes to the national show from Fox News Oceania.

*** Please no picture of Kerry in a tank ... Please no picture of Kerry in a tank ... Please no picture of Kerry in a tank. Repeat this mantra every day as a morning ritual before you brush your teeth, take your shower and go to the bathroom to Dukakis.

*** Thought I saw Kerry giving a speech on TV yesterday -- then realized I was watching a rerun of "Dark Shadows" on the Sci-Fi Channel.

*** Ralph Nader was rejected as the nominee for the Green Party ... but he still hopes to gain support from the Blue Man Group.



Wednesday, May 19, 2004

IT'S TIME FOR THE NEW BUSH TOP TEN LISTS!

First of all, we have ten new concepts after "TERROR" for Bush to declare war on ...

10) Liberty
9) Coherence
8) Intelligence
7) Culture
6) Sensitivity
5) Common Sense
4) Compassion
3) Logic
2) Individuality
1) Panache

How about that WAR ON PANACHE!!!!

And now, ten things that apparently George Bush doesn't have to ask "What Would Jesus Do?" about ...

10) Bombing innocent women and children
9) Prison torture
8) Outsourcing
7) Letting future generations support current billionaires
6) Lying about his military service
5) Starting an imperialist war
4) Attempting to cancel overtime protections for nation's workers
3) Leaving lots of children behind.
2) Laughing at even the prospect of universal healthcare.
1) Ordering American soldiers to die for multinational oil companies.

And now, the Top Ten Songs you should hear at the Republican Convention ... but you won't ...

10) "Sweet Home Alabama (Stop That Viet Cong Mix)" -- Lynyrd Skynyrd
9) "All My Exes Live In Texas" -- George Strait
8) "Coward Of The County" -- Kenny Rogers
7) "Money Changes Everything" -- Cyndi Lauper
6) "Let's Make Lots of Money" (Iraq Remix) -- Pet Shop Boys
5) "Jesus Doesn't Want Me For A Sunbeam" -- Nirvana
4) "Desperate But Not Serious" -- Adam Ant
3) "What's So Funny 'Bout Peace, Love And Understanding" - Elvis Costello
2) "The Emperor's New Clothes (Lazy Journalist Version) - Sinead O'Connor
1) "911 Is A Joke" -- Public Enemy

Monday, March 08, 2004

COPYCAT ALERT!

In an apparent protest against my liberal positions on "The Passion of the Christ", gay marriage and my continued opposition to Resident Bush, the Bible Beaters have posted a copycat site which will surely be visited by my typing-impaired fans.

Apparently they're trying to tell me how not having a job and health care because Resident Bush likes to kill people for multinational corporations is somehow Christian. That's so sweet of them.

Anwyay, they're using an old pornsite trick. You know how if you mess up typing "espn.com" you can get directed to porn ... well if you mistype "http://stevedanger.blogspot.com," you may just find Jesus ... well actually a hateful, mean, overbearing and judgmental version of Jesus ... but that's what you'll find.

Remember pals, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery! I appreciate the business.

Now, here's two stories to annoy you:


HOW DO YOU GET GRANDMA TO GO SEE S+M PORN?

You tell her it's about Jesus.

I had the misfortune on Thursday of sitting through the sick, twisted s+m porn version of the Gospels entitled "The Passion of the Christ"

The message of this film is not that God loved us and came into the world to save us ...

The message is that Mel Gibson needs therapy. Inpatient therapy. With plenty of drugs.

The acting, cinematography and direction are all as amateurish as one of those "Left Behind" movies with the "Growing Pains" kid.

For someone supposedly faithful to Scripture, I'd like to know where Caiaphas taunting Jesus at the cross, the demon children scaring Judas and Satan having a Mini-Me all were found in the Bible.

Was that in the director's cut version?

When the birds started plucking eyes out, I expected Tippi Hedren instead of Jesus. And soon after, I walked out and asked the girl at the counter to give me my money back so I can see something the Lord loves ... like that hockey movie where we beat the godless Russians!

It was Anti-Semitic and pornographic in its violence ... a violence that could only appeal to a very prurient interest. It is no coincidence that Gibson filmed on the same soundstage in Italy that was used by notorious Italian filmmaker Pier Paolo Pasolini -- another contadiction in terms like Gibson.

Pasolini made several acclaimed religious films before delving in the 70s into sadistic excess with films like 1975's "Salo: 120 Days of Sodom." Gibson bragged about using Pasolini's soundstages on a recent Tonight Show appearance.

I find it so curious that the Passion audience -- who to a person -- holds the opinion that an exposed breast during the Super Bowl is the height of vulgarity is captivated and enchanted by the sight of a man's flesh being ripped away by a cat-of-nine-tails in the most neverending, sadistic scene

This was a vulgar expression of "faith."

I haven't been so incredulous about misguided moviegoers since I saw feminists support "I Spit On Your Grave" in college despite about 45 minutes of way too realistic rape scenes. You don't preach love and tolerance by bludgeoning people with brutality. It makes them numb and unfeeling. It doesn't convince them of anything.

The problem is that THERE IS NO CONTEXT IN THIS MOVIE! It could have been titled "A Guy That Got Beaten Up."

And these are the people that would protest a beautiful and dare I say, life-affirming film like "Secretary" because of the subject matter ... but Maggie Gyllenhall never got her flesh sliced off with a whip ... and these people also protested the beautiful spiritual meditation that was Scorsese's "The Last Temptation of Christ." Scorsese's movie made me proud to be a Christian, Gibson's made me feel like I'd been raped.

I came to be inspired and to be uplifted ... instead I felt like I was robbed and brutalized. And I got scared at the number of people praising the film BECAUSE THEY WERE BRAINWASHED TO DO SO!

I'm now writing a film that would be the opposite of Gibson's vision with uplifting and inspiring prose ... I think I'll get Almodovar to direct.

Avoid "The Passion" at all costs. And this warning comes from a White, Heterosexual Catholic.







GAY MARRIAGE

As our second post to annoy "Unoriginal Bible Man," let us delve into the murky waters of gay marriage.

* First of all, it would be a lot easier to support gay marriage if you got Pamela Anderson and Carmen Electra to marry each other. That's something I could get behind or I could get in between or on top of the kitchen table, or in a hot tub or (station break) .... thank you!

* It should be "marriage" instead of a "civil union." A civil union doesn't exist even if you're straight and just living together. The day she spends the money earmarked for the new TV on curtains ... is the day civility goes out the newly curtained window. And I imagine that will be twice the problem with gay men.

* Now if you don't want homosexuals to get married, shouldn't you be having "Embracing Promiscuity" seminars at your churches ... and dole out a couple of those meetings for heterosexuals too -- I'll be glad to attend.

* But I do think we should outlaw marriage to Rosie O'Donnell. That has to be against the Geneva Convention.

* Gotta love Dick Cheney ... his daughter is a lesbian ... but he has to fight against gay marriage since he would stand to lose out on war profiteering if he alienated his racist, homophobic base of suppport. My dad would support me if I wanted to marry a chimpanzee.

* But the best quote comes from the always witty Bill Maher ... "You're Here ... You're Queer ... Get Bored with It." Let's be a free country for a change and let people go about their personal lives.
MILD ANNOYANCES

* After nearly a month of hoopla surrounding the Janet Jackson wardrobe malfunction, I just want to say that I'm appalled at the whole mess.

Would it have killed MTV to show some concern to Middle America and let us see Shania Twain's tits?

* Resident Bush experienced an extreme case of deja vu earlier this year. He started the Daytona 500 in an attempt to appeal to the voting bloc of so-called "NASCAR Dads."

Resident Bush couldn't help but feel like he'd been there before when he told the gentlemen to start their engines.

He was manipulating a close race in Florida, and again, one where African-Americans weren't allowed to participate.

* Who will allow Resident Bush to continue to push this country to the Dark Side where the Force (of ordinary citizens) will be unable to defeat it? It must be Darth Nader!

* I am collecting money to buy Ann Coulter a sandwich. I'm thinking Subway Steak and Cheese which is about four bucks. She needs to eat or she's just going to get loopier. Send an e-mail to jedwardmonkey@yahoo.com for info on how to contribute.






Thursday, January 29, 2004

OSAMA BIN LADEN CAPTURED!

Osama Bin Laden was captured again today in his room at the Poughkeepsie, New York Ramada Inn.

Bin Laden ordered pancakes from room service and bellboy Everett Wilson engaged in horseplay with the bearded despot as he brought him his food.

The evil genius has room service, a dialysis machine and in-room HBO while he waits to be "captured" by U.S. forces on September 11, 2004 in New York City.

"I'm really upset they are taking 'Sex and the City' off the air," said the newly addicted Bin Laden. "Do you think Mr. Big will come back at the end?"

Although CBS, NBC, CNN, ABC and FOX (or as we like to collectively call them, TASS) have been reporting Bin Laden on the run for years now, he has actually been relaxing at various Ramada Inns around the country for some time.

People, it's freaking hard to run for the border when you're connected to a damned dialysis machine! Hello, Earth to Journalists!

George W. Bush plans to "capture" him on the anniversary of 9/11 ... and he has a special cowboy suit already picked out for the occasion. This should give Bush a needed boost among people who can't walk and chew gum at the same time -- which is his voting niche.

Mommy Laura says he looks handsome in his cowboy outfit.

"He looked so good that I wanted to stop having sex with French diplomats," Mommy Laura said.

George Bush Sr. has stopped in to share breakfast with Osama several times.

This is no surprise since Daddy Bush was dining with Saudi Arabian Prince "Bandar Bush" on the morning of 9/11 and Barbara Bush's literacy charity received $1 million dollars in donations from the Bin Laden family in the past.

Look, I applaud how much Barbara Bush has accomplished and how much she has made life easier for young cross-dressers, but taking money from terrorists is where I draw the line.

Remember where you heard the Osama News first ... now back to your local "SNOW MEANS ARMAGEDDON" coverage.


News from the Democratic Primary Trail:

* John Kerry remains solidly in the lead although he is trailing in Oz -- solely because of his resemblance to the homophobic and surly apple-throwing tree that attacks gay icons.

* Carol Mosely Braun dropped out of the race. In other related news, Mr. Pibb exited the Cola Wars and the San Diego Chargers will not be playing in Sunday's Super Bowl.

* The corporate media's continued flogging of Howard Dean reached an apex last week when the clip of Dean yelling at a post-Iowa caucus rally was curiously run to "Buckwheat Has Been Shot!" levels.

* Finally some good news from the Kucinich campaign. The former Cleveland mayor received a supporting actor nod for his role as a hobbit in "Lord Of The Rings : I Don't Know The Rest of the Title Because I Dated In High School."

* John Edwards' campaign is really starting to percolate .. which is appropriate ... because he's quite a drip.

* Wesley Clark went outside today without his mittens and Mommy Hillary scolded him.

* The Rev. Al Sharpton received the all-important endorsement from rap star Jay-Z. But his current polling numbers are still saying his milkshake doesn't bring all the boys to the yard.

* Have you been waiting for Al Sharpton to break out the red jogging suit again? Me too.

* In exchange for his new hour-long talk show on CNBC, Dennis Miller will receive $750,000 in his contract and $200,000 for his eternal soul. Additional services that he provides to high-ranking members of the Republican party will be provided and paid for on an "a la carte" basis, usually in the state of Nevada.


Monday, December 15, 2003

And now for the Saddam Capture News -- as only Steve Danger can tell it:

* Apart from characters in Alice In Wonderland and several prominent musical theater stars, how many people do you know that will go into just any old hole without any sort of provocation whatsoever?

You hide in say Madagascar, not in a hole in Tikrit -- unless somebody CAPTURED you and PUT YOU in that hole so they could negotiate for the $25 million dollar prize and the Ceramic Dalmatian.

The American forces knew where Saddam was for weeks -- he was captured and isolated by his own Iraqi troops -- who were hungry for the bounty on his head.

You think with that kind of time involved they could have gotten Jessica Lynch to capture him ... or at least that Die Hard guy. Lord knows anybody that gets cuckolded by Ashton Kutcher needs a shot of testosterone!

* In a related story, 40 Pittsburgh-area pheasants have offered a $50 reward for the arrest of war criminal Dick Cheney, who killed nearly 70 of their brethren in a rigged hunt on the Rolling Rock Campground in Westmoreland County, PA.

This changed my cheap-ass beer choice for the holidays, thank you very much! Now, everybody who comes to visit gets the good stuff because of my newest boycott against Rolling Rock.

"We would have put up a higher bounty, but none of us are working, " said Rudy Pheasant. "And with (Pittsburgh) Mayor Murphy's new Pheasant Tax, what can you do?"

The pheasants in such a hunt have about as much chance of survival as the "smiley faces" on the Atari 2600 classic "Air-Sea Battle."

They are released right near the gunsights of the hunting party -- a party who does not have to find them, track them or give them anything resembling a sporting chance.

So, the next time you are clearing out your spam e-mail, remember that Dick Cheney was the intended recipient of many of those e-mails.

A real man knows the difference between hunting and sheer vulgarity. Cheney's hunt was sheer vulgarity.

But when you are willing to sacrifice the lives of poor men and women across the country to ensure the viability of your corporate stock holdings, there is nothing beneath you.

Dick Cheney is a profoundly evil man and all "true souls of liberty" (like the old punk band) need to use whatever legal methods at our disposal to ensure that his power play is ended swiftly.

* Saddam will be tried by a jury of his peers : Adolf Hitler, Pol Pot, Several African despots who we don't know the names of because they have no oil, The guy from North Korea who looks like Julia Sweeney's "Pat", Josef Stalin, John Ashcroft and Justin Timberlake.

* Saddam was overjoyed today when it was discovered that he will be prosecuted in international court by Christopher Darden.

"If the weapons ain't in Tikrit, acquittal will be oh so sweet!" said Saddam defense attorney Johnny Cochran. "Saddam is no bite and only bark and I'll whip you neocons like you was Marcia Clark."

* There is no truth to the ugly rumour that Saddam was actually found in Fox News Host Sean Hannity's ass.

"I've been making weekly reconnaissance missions to that region and I never spotted Saddam," confirmed Milquetoast King Alan Colmes.

* President Al Gore had no comment on the Saddam capture today other than saying he understood the "straggly beard" that Hussein was wearing.

"When you are unjustly removed from power, the beard just seems to come with the territory," Our Beloved President said.

* Mountain Bob, formerly of the country group the Oak Ridge Boys, confirmed that he was not contacted by the White House to be a "fake Hussein" despite the resemblance between himself and the newly "found" dictator.

"However, my heart is on fire for Elvira. Did I mention that?" added Mountain Bob.


Friday, December 05, 2003

John Cougar Mellencamp served up a great analysis of the Iraq war this week with a statement that I'll be quoting for some time.

"I really have a problem with Bush's pre-emptive war strategy ... If I think some guy down the block is going to kick my ass and so I go down to his house, roust him out and kick his ass first ... well, they'll arrest me for that.

What's the difference with what we did in Iraq?"
PHILADELPHIA (SDP) : The Army Cadet football team will take an 0-12 record into tomorrow's rivalry game against the Navy Midshipmen.

Navy, a powerful 7-4 squad with a bowl bid in hand, has been installed as a three-touchdown favorite.

Yet Army fans are not deterred in their support for the Cadets.

"We knew this would be a re-building year," said Lieutenant Joe Smack. "And we don't seem to be the guys to do that sort of thing properly."

Army has struggled to establish any sort of "exit plan" for the quarterback when there is a rush up the middle. But Smack said good days for Army football are right ahead.

"Hey, if we don't start winning then we will be the guys to go out and fight to build that oil pipeline from Turkey to India to increase corporate profits for mutlinational oil companies ... Oh I'm sorry ... I meant that we will be the guys to bring freedom and democracy to the suffering people of Iraq ... yeah, that's the ticket."



EAST LIBERTY (SDP): A Pittsburgh man was arrested for stealing a Port Authority Transit bus from the PAT terminal in East Liberty this week.
Police became suspicious of the man driving the bus when he yielded to pedestrians in the crosswalk.
"That was the most polite bus driver I have ever seen," said Sergeant Roy Donut of the Point Breeze precinct. "I knew something was up."

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